Restaurant critics can’t always go to places of their choosing. That would make their position easy and fun. Their morals and ethics are questioned when they have to dine at places like Mooby’s. But it’s their duty to do a job well done.
Mooby’s is a New Jersey only franchise and as far as Restaurant Fiction is concerned, NJ can keep it. The West Coast will keep its In-N-Out Burger. All four franchises are individually owned. They keep with a corporate menu but the CEO and board members are very hands off and it shows.
The goal of Mooby’s is not to serve food. They are built and operated to sell merchandise, like a Paula Deen restaurant (no offense).
The Mooby’s reviewed sits in Red Bank, New Jersey, by a Catholic High School and the always broken and “in construction” New Jersey transit. The red flags are seen from a mile away. An eyesore is a compliment. This burger joint however is an incestuous lab produced copycat between some sort of Whataburger and decaying Burger King.
The meat grinder shaped playpen is outdoors, discolored, barren, and without shade. Watching children play in it is sad, very sad. If the children don’t find the playpen attractive, there’s an unrestricted Internet console usually featuring raunchy yet legal porn.
Mooby is some sort of cartoonish biblical creature. It is a take off of the golden calf idol. Paul and Moses are ashamed of the depiction. It is not unheard of to advertise religion with fast food. In-N-Out features bible references on the bottom of their soda cups and cartons. Chick-fil-A closes Sundays to obey the Sabbath. Both places are subtler in selling religion. Mooby’s greets you with a Jesus-like calf statue.
Religion is not the theme, the cow is. Doors open to an annoying “moo”. Logos on cups feature penile looking utters squirting what hopefully is milk and not some kind of other milky solution.
Purgatory has never been crowded. A single milquetoast family that doesn’t know any better thinks they’re getting a bargain. A couple of loiterers outside find humor in the whole situation.
Restaurant Fiction reviews fast food establishments all over the US: Big Kahuna Burger, McDowell’s, Good Burger, and Krusty Burger to name a few. These places spark an interest. Mooby’s fails.
The color scheme is purple and yellowish-orange. The menu and vomitorium in the back go hand-in-hand. Just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean it’s even average at best. What Mooby’s is known for is an eight-pound Mooby Burger for $3.95. It’s advertised as “guaranteed with meat.” What kind of meat is the 10 million dollar question. The length that meat has been kept out and not replaced is the one billion dollar question.
There are places like The Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas that serve behemoth sized cholesterol bombs. Those burgers are of an average quality, plus one gets to be wheeled out in a wheel chair. The gimmick at Mooby’s is to buy more of its merchandise.
The rest of the menu is a nightmare. No employee or customer knew what a Monkey Pate Pop was ($2.50). Sweet and Sour Surly Bits are their version of chicken nuggets. One whiff and you know there is something foul about the fowl. The saddest drawing of an elephant cartoon character advertises a platter of food for $12.75. The animal probably ate some of it’s own food and regrets it as well. Skipping past the attractive deals such as “70 cents off for seniors” is the quintessential proof that one clearly wants to die a horrible death when eating at Mooby’s. Not even Mike Judd, the creator of Idiocracy, could fathom the hot cheese beverage drink for $3.95.
As food critics we are supposed to eat the food, because we need to review it. That’s the true test of a restaurant’s meat and bones. Every time Restaurant Fiction wanted to sample the food at Mooby’s, the opportunity never came. The food is ordered and employees in purple dishwasher jackets and comical Mooby visors focus on themselves and their own problems. The food sits there. There’s no use complaining or interrupting the employees. They don’t want to be there just as much as you.
Mooby’s slogan is “I’m eating it.” Please, never eat at Mooby’s, especially the cow pie dessert with the “creamy ending.”
Red Bank, New Jersey
ATMOSPHERE: 30-40 year old dead-end adults who hate life serve the bland, beige, and religious who are too cheap to eat at a neighboring McDonald’s or name brand fast food establishment
SERVICE: None existent. The employee will happily take your money, but receiving the food in return is another question.
SOUND LEVEL: Comes from the loiterers out front. They’re obnoxious and an amazing Greek repulsive tragedy all rolled up into one.
RECOMMENDED: __________________ (It’s blank for a reason)
DRINKS AND WINE: ________________ (It’s blank for a reason)
PRICES: 35 cents - $14.95
OPEN: 7 days a week from 7am to 11pm
WHEELCHAIR ACCESS: Yes
Restrooms: No…only a vomitorium